So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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