i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
My balls are so social today.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Randomize
