you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
