a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
