My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Is Oprah even human
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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