Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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