life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Randomize
