Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
