I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
