Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
