Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
