The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
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