I'm drive I can fine osifer
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
