wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
