this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
