She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
