I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
