so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Randomize
