Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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