I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
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