I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
