My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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