He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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