capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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