So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
