i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Randomize
