hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
