Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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