I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
