She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
