the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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