Screwed.edu
They should really pass out barf bags in church
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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