3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
