I looked at my own cervix.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
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