were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
