Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
