apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Randomize
