so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Randomize
