my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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