Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
