you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Floor bacon is actually really good
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
