My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
