I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
