The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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