Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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