I think my fart just growled at me.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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