Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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