I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
