i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Randomize
