Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
