can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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