Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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