I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
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