I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
