i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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