Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
